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Back again...

Well hello there.

It's been a little while.

I don't often get the urge to write, but occasionally my mind is full of thoughts and it's 12:39 am so no one is around to hear my ramblings.

It's for these rare, beautiful moments that I have a blog. (haha)

Anyways, I haven't made a video or posted anything in about forever now. I've been pondering making an update video, which I will definitely do eventually, but in the meantime here's whatsup with me.

It's now March, so a lot has happened in my life since my last post, which I don't remember at all. Currently, I'm attending CCBC Seattle for my very last semester of Bible College. This semester has been... good, rough, challenging. I haven't been as terrified about what's next as I always thought I would

be. My life is heading in a good direction, and I'm actually kinda done with Bible College. It's been such a special time of my life, but I'm ready to close this chapter and move on to real life. I mean, I am almost twenty-two and it seems about time I start figuring out how to do life.

Presently, I am down with a bad case of my good ol' friend, The Mono. My recovery is progressing quickly, thank the Lord. The first four days were actual hell, but all of my cold/flu symptoms are gone and I'm left with simple exhaustion. Being weak and laying around watching movies has actually changed my life pretty drastically, and this is what I actually wanted to write about tonight.

This semester has been characterized by an overwhelming amount of stress that I have been placing on myself. I always say that I trust God, but I firmly believe in personal responsibility. My mindset was that of "live the life you know you want, do do do and go go go, and try to do it all in the Lord's strength".

Unfortunately, this was a destructive mentality.

I am taking a large amount of classes in order to graduate. I have seven classes on campus and three online through distance learning. My homework load is heavier than normal, including my M1 class requiring seven hours each week. Plus, I still had to pay for school so I was working every available shift (about 25 hours a week). In fact last week, I probably only slept 15 hours over the course of four days, because I worked all night and then twice the next day. (Yes, this is probably why I got mono...)

Through it all, I was pushing myself to not be weak. I told myself I didn't want to be one of those girls who didn't have her crap together. I felt like I had to do everything and make it all happen, and that my best wasn't good enough.

My future was constantly on my mind, and I had so many lists. Not to mention my boyfriend, family, and friends. There's just not enough time in a day, and my priorities got all out of whack. Every morning I got up, dressed, and did my makeup to help myself feel like it would be a good day. I went over my lists and started working towards my goals. Yet by the end of the day, I felt like I was no closer to having accomplished anything. In fact, it felt like my load was even heavier, that more had been added. As I had to decide where to put my time and energy, I let things like my time with the Lord and my sleep slide.

I literally worked myself sick.

When the lady at the urgent care first told me I had mono, I cried. It felt like the icing on the cake. Inwardly, I was panicking. My entire world was crashing down.

But by the time I was getting into bed that night, I realized that was a really good thing. I had such an overwhelming peace come over me.

My world was the literal worst. I was so unhappy and discontent. Constant stress is no way to live. That world needed to crash and burn.

The Lord still has His hand in my life, even through the mono. He brought me to a place where I remembered that I'm not superwoman. I can't do everything. I can't do anything apart from Him. It all has to be sourced from Him. My motivations for everything were all in the wrong places. I was a mess. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I was taking burdens and weights that I didn't need to.

As I crawled into bed, I was able to honestly lay everything on the Lord. I was in a position where I literally had no other option than to trust Him implicitly. I couldn't work, but I could depend on Him to provide. I couldn't do homework, but I could trust Him to enable me to study in the right time. I couldn't talk to people, so I talked to Him, and I noticed I really missed Him.

I hated that I missed Him in the first place and that it took such drastic measures for Him to get my attention.

But I'm really glad I have a God Who cares about having a relationship with me more than anything, including me going to Bible College. I'm thankful I have a God Who gave me mono so I would spend time with Him. That my God cares more about me than how much I know about the book of Revelation. What does all that I know matter if I don't know Him.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

I love my Lord so much. This was a tough blow to take, but normally when God knocks me down it's just so that He can raise me up to a place that was so much better before.

I have been doing literally nothing, and life is just fine. It's all working out in the Lord's will. I haven't been stressed out once since I went to bed that first night. Every moment of temptation, I simply think "the Lord will work it out" and that's enough.

And it should always be enough. Maybe these next two weeks of laying around incapable of doing things in my own strength will serve as a good reminder in the future.

My mentality is now "do it if it's in the Lord's strength, and His strength alone, for His glory alone, and don't do it if it's not." I'm no longer going to be allowing stress to rule me. I'm going to be placing God first, in place of other things if needs be. And I will not be sacrificing my personal health and well being for anything else.

Jesus, thank you for constantly pursuing me. Thank you for this virus. Thank you for loving me in spite of my stubborn arrogance. Thank you for reminding me that I don't need to make life so complicated, that Your burden is light. Thank you for removing all the burdens I was placing on myself. Thank you for this time of rest that I needed, even though I wouldn't admit it. Thank you for taking care of me physically and making sure I am healthy and stable, even if it's through tough measures. Thank you for being so gracious, and for being so patient with me! I'm still blown away that you care so much about me, that you still want to spend time with me. I'm so humbled in Your presence. Help me forever put you first above all things. Nothing else in this world matters. The things of earth grow so dim in the light of You. Amen.


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